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My daughter was doing homework the other day and kept feeling frustrated she couldn’t find the matching letter to the words in her assignment.

She kept stopping with frustration. And was about to give up.

This is what she was saying to herself: “I can’t do this” and “This is impossible”

I couldn't help but wonder why she was being so hard on herself over the homework assignment.

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This is what I want to share today: How to raise self-compassionate kids. Join me to discover how I took her from thinking that the task was impossible to thinking the task was difficult.

We live in a world that is becoming more demanding every day. What skills do you know, how many languages do you speak, and even what phone do you own? From assets to skills, we are being led to believe that we need to have it all and do it all.

We want our kids to be the best in all they do, but we often overplay our hand.

Some fill their day with learning resources, others might expect them to do extra practice homework, and others even have a tutor come home to continue with academic learning.

We forget about being compassionate, or even worse, being self-compassionate.

Let’s first understand what self-compassion is.

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Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. Rather than being harsh and critical when we fail, we learn to show ourselves kindness and understanding. When difficulty arises in our lives, we give ourselves support and encouragement.

Kids who are self compassionate turn the critical self talk into positive messages that encourage and build them up.

Self-compassion may sound like “You tried your best, it's ok” or “You are learning this, it's ok to make mistakes” or “I haven’t learned it yet!”

You can hear a cookie trail of self-compassion in the messages kids with a growth mindset tell themselves.

Recent research has shown that self-compassion can lead to greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships, better physical health and less anxiety and depression. People who develop self-compassion have the resilience to cope with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises and academic failure, as well as combat trauma.

When kids are self- compassionate, they give themselves permission to make mistakes, try again, and learn! They develop a growth mindset that will nurture their development all throughout their lifetime.

Many may fear that self-compassion is a form of self-pity but the opposite is true. While self-pity screams “poor me,” self-compassion recognizes life can be difficult for everyone.

Let me stop you right here.

Let’s read that last line again.

Self-compassion recognizes life can be difficult for everyone.

When kids develop self-compassion, tasks that once seemed impossible, become just “difficult.” And this right here is what we want kids to know.

Tasks may be difficult but not impossible.

Self-compassion helps children overcome challenges, learn from their mistakes, and bounce back from adversity in a healthy way.

Some of you might be thinking, “But, Alexandra, it's so hard for me to be self-compassionate with myself, how do I teach my kids to be self-compassionate?”

True. Parents who tend to be more critical of themselves will need to work on developing self compassion first.

But let’s look at some strategies you can use at home to raise self-compassionate kids.

1. Role-modeling. When you struggle yourself, model how you manage disappointment and mistakes. Think about the messages you are telling yourself.
2. Forgive your child. For example, your child might have broken your favorite cup, but you respond saying “I really liked my cup, I feel sad about it breaking. It’s ok, accidents happen.”
3. Show kindness in your own family. Help your child carry their school bag when picking them up from school. Or take turns choosing what to order for dinner on Friday night.
4. Accept strong feelings. Let your child know it’s OK to have strong feelings like sadness, frustration or disappointment, but it’s not OK to say mean things to yourself because of those strong feelings.

Now looking back at my kid’s homework situation, this is what I did.

1. I paused for two minutes and recognized the struggle from 'I don't know' with her hands on her head and pencil on the table.
2. I let her know by saying "it's okay when it is difficult"
3. I encouraged her to say something nice to herself and we stood in the mirror together and repeated 'I can do this even when it gets hard'

Next thing I knew, she was giving it another try, had her “aha” moment, and finished her homework with a smile!

When was the last time you could have used more self-compassion when things got difficult?

Raising self-compassionate kids will only spread more compassion in this world. Let’s go!

Until next week,

Alexandra

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